Fear

. . .
Back in my post of March 31, I noted that one of the eBay art groups I belong to, CaaT (Complimentary Art and Things) is suggesting a weekly posting topic for its members. I posted then on the topic of the week, organization, then promptly forgot about it.

The topic for this week is fear, an apropos one for me: tomorrow I should hear from my oncologist about what last Thursday's PET/CT showed.

I have a fear of showing fear, I think. I want to prove myself as courageous as my mother was when she found out she had an incurable cancer. I do feel fear. I think a fear of death is a visceral, and probably universal, human feeling. When I think about it, I know there is nothing to be afraid of. On the other hand, I do, realistically I think, fear dying--that I will have pain, or be alone; that I will be unable to have any control over what is happening to me, or express my needs and be helped by those around me.

A friend asked me yesterday how I cope with knowing, not knowing, waiting...I told her that waiting for test results, for example, in years past, would have me in uncontrollable anxiety...but that somehow, I have learned to let go. What I truly believe and know to happen after death I find comforting...I will become part of my beloved Gaia, the earth mother, and return to what I was before.

These are some of the chants that move me.

Ancient Mother, I Hear You Calling
Ancient Mother, I Hear Your Song
Ancient Mother, I Hear Your Laughter
Ancient Mother, I Taste Your Tears
*****
The Ocean Is The Beginning Of The Earth.
The Ocean Is The Beginning Of The Earth.
All Life Comes From The Sea.
All Life Comes From The Sea.
*****
We All Come From The Goddess
And To Her We Shall Return
Like A Drop Of Rain
Flowing To The Ocean
*****
All over the world, the waters are breaking (repeat)
Everywhere, everywhere, the waters are breaking
And so return, return, return
Return to the Mother
*****
Where there's fear there's power, passion is the healer
Desire cracks open the gate -
If you're ready it'll take you through
But nothing lasts forever, time is the destroyer,
The wheel turns again and again
Watch out, it'll take you through.

But nothing dies forever, Nature is the renewer,
The wheel turns again and again -
If you're ready it'll take you through.