Reality checks

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Today was my Herceptin infusion. Reality always breaks through on those days.

There are days when people can ask how things are going--am I still doing well (they know I'm in remission)--and I'll sort of draw a blank--what are they talking about? Of course I'm still 'NED' (no evidence of disease). What do they expect?

There are days when I wake up in the morning and it doesn't immediately occur to me that I have an incurable illness. I might not think about it all day. Reading the breast cancer list (http://www.bclist.org) tends to bring it all back, and I've started to check in there only about twice a week. The bcmets list is out of the question.

Having a port (click here if you don't know what that is: http://www.breastcancer.org/tre_sys_chemo_ports.html) is a constant reminder, mainly because mine tends to itch, and both it and the line that goes from it into my jugular vein are visible bumps in the skin. It'll be there until I die.

I keep trying to live in the present, and most of the time I succeed. Like most people, I have now--today--but unlike most, I don't have a future. When someone talks about what they're going to do when they retire, or how they're saving up for a trip to Europe in five years, I think I'll probably be dead. That can be depressing.

But--better news! I saw my son for the first time in a couple of years this weekend. He was paroled last month, on the condition that he spend a significant amount of time in a rehab. He's at a place called Lebanon Pines, which has a brook running through it, nice grounds and woods around it. It's clear he's forgiven me. I don't pretend to understand how he can do that so readily, but it's a sweetness that's always been part of him, down below and behind the rage, cynicism, self-destructiveness and other parts of his personality that have seemed to define him the last few years. It's also clear he's trying very hard to change. He may make it after all.

He sang several songs he's written. My daughter and his girlfriend, who were both there, seemed to have heard them before, but I hadn't. He is truly an amazing lyricist. He and his sister sang a couple of duets, as well. It was so wonderful to hear her sing again...if I ever wonder if maybe it was my bias that made me think she was so good, all I have to do is hear her again. She has the warmest voice I've ever heard.

They are bright, good kids. If I could have one wish, it would be that they would turn out happy, productive people. I love them both.